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Do I Have to Kill Myself?


Deconstruction, Self-portrait  in White
Cathedral Park, Portland, OR
The concept of killing my 
“self” has crossed my mind.  There have been times when I have been so confused and so down that if a meteor came out of the sky and hit me on the head and took me to the next plane, that I wouldn’t mind. No, I never plotted a suicide… at least, not a bodily one.  I just didn’t want to be “here” like “that.”  The more I learned about my “self” and my “ego” the more I thought that I just might have to kill it.  But lately, I’ve been looking at all this in a different way.  I am being taught to have compassion for my ego/self.  Now, when a destructive or sabotaging thought comes into my head, I stop and realize that it is my ego. Then I kind of talk to my ego (in my head, mostly) the way I would talk to a little girl who is acting out because she is afraid or wants love. So maybe, it is not about killing anything, but loving it so much that it feels less threatened. I have always had a really hard time accepting  less than perfect or wounded aspects of myself… until now and I can feel a big difference in my life. How can I expect others to love me unconditionally or me love them that way, when I can’t even love myself that way?  And, if I only love what I perceive to be good about me, well, that’s conditional.  Sometimes, when I do my gratitude list, after all the “obvious” blessings, I list those things about me that I would otherwise beat myself up for… ie: my jealousy, my selfishness, my immaturity, my insecurity… and it makes me smile and feel loved in a way that I have really never known. I am happiest when I can feel grateful for it all, the good, bad and the ugly… it’s truly all beautiful.

Here are a couple of videos of Byron Katie (click on Byron Katie) that I found extremely helpful on this journey. Hope you enjoy them too.