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Deconstruction, from the beginning.

Practice Session for Deconstruction, Self-Portrait in White

I was so inspired by DestinyAllison’s blog today, that I have decided to start writing about my experience over the last 6 months and post some images from Deconstruction, Self-Portraits in White, a series that is still in development.  I think it’s time to get really honest; naked honest… as that is the path I am choosing on so many levels in my life lately.  This choice does not come without necessary pain and navigation through what I’m learning to be, unnecessary suffering.  However, I believe it is a story that ends in ‘peace’ ever after. 

Deconstruction is a narrative self-portrait series about the stripping away of old beliefs and identities…mine, and the reconstruction of a belief system that opens the door to living a fulfilled life. The deeper I get into this series, the more is revealed. While I am learning that I have everything to do with creating my life, I am also learning I have very little to do with the creative process and ideas show up all hours of the day and night and if I listen and take their cue, I am fortunate enough to move forward in that creation.

This all started when I began to think of the next photographic series I would work on.  What cool subject can I come up with that will wow and interest viewers? What will sell? What will create a splash and get great recognition? Well, it doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to see how hungry and loud my ego was for attention, for acknowledgment, which is ironic, because when I created Beauty and Wisdom that ego had a very small voice and was hardly present or so I thought. When did wowing anybody even come into the picture? (No pun intended.) After months of jumping around from subject to subject, trying on different ideas, I was spent. Nothing felt right, nothing fit, and often I’d try something new and it didn’t feel like it was for the “right” reason. 
I have always known that I wanted my photography to be something that would add beauty into this sometimes-crazy world.  Beauty and Wisdom resonated with so many people and I found it fulfilling, lending images and voice to ageism and older women who I felt should be recognized for who they are and had become. They are amazing warriors to me and I felt passionate telling their story.  How could I find another subject that would feel as meaningful?  Or a better question should have been, how will a meaningful subject ever find me… again?
Cracked Reflection # 12
I never had the guts to do self-portraiture, nor did I ever think I would do that.  Me?  I take photographs of oceans, animals, landscape, cityscapes, people, women in beauty salons and the occasional photojournalistic narrative, but taking photographs of me? Never!  I should have known because just about every time that I have used the word “never” in my life, I have encountered that which I said ‘never’ to.  
I love to take photographs of things that make people feel good and that are beautiful. However, I began to feel that while the images I took photographs of were beautiful aesthetically, there was something missing.  It makes sense now, but then, I hadn’t a clue as to what was missing.  Now, I can see that what was missing was me.  Something in my soul was missing, something that I most likely have never had and thus began my quest to find out what that was.  This led me to consider taking photographs of myself.  I started by taking iPhone photographs of myself in the cracked mirror in front of our bed.  At first I wanted to replace the mirror but after I thought about it, it seemed perfect, the reflection of myself that I was seeing was cracked. I still take photographs with my iphone and post them on Instagram (Cracked Reflectionseries).  This was the beginning of exploring the deconstruction of myself and my art.